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This site is not hosted by or associated with the fine folks at gospelcom.net Here are some articles that are no longer on our active sites, but may have some historical (or hysterical) value. Enjoy digging through our virtual landfill. Survivor August 2000 Over fifty forty million (that’s seven zeroes!) viewers tuned in to see Survivor's Richard, “that fat naked guy,” win a million dollars (that’s six zeroes!). I had a hard time deciding who to cheer for: a conniving exhibitionist, a grumpy old bigot who announced the Bible is only useful for toilet paper, a mean-mouthed truck driver who’s considering posing nude in Hustler, or a woman wanted for the 1995 theft of a credit card. Even the losers are being offered lucrative offers, such as the doctor who will be an actor on The Guiding Light. And four of the “final four” have already posed for a “Got Milk?” ad. Rudy, Richard, Susan, Kelly, and the rest voted off the “desert tropic isle” are now famous celebrities because of their 15 minutes (or 13 weeks) of fame. Ex-contestants have appeared in Reebok commercials, and Colleen and Jenna have turned down offers to take off those swimsuits for Playboy. Gervase has since appeared in an episode of the UPN’s The Hughleys. Reality shows are big. COPS and Real Life have been around for several seasons, but Survivor has flooded the airwaves with an entire China Sea of flotsam. (Survivor II, will pit sixteen new contestants against the elements of Australia’s outback and each other. Please, someone vote the host off the island!) Big Brother--aka “Big Snore”--features a boring assortment of people trapped in a TV studio with cameras and microphones discussing their boring lives with a few bored viewers at home. Other reality TV shows are reportedly planned. Fox TV’s The Runner, will be a combination of The Fugitive, Survivor, and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. A single contestant must elude bounty hunters and viewers at home to arrive at the goal undetected. NBC is dragging out Chains of Love with a woman chained to four men. She must eventually choose if she is interested in linking up with one of the contestants. ABC has dug up The Mole where contestants spy on each other. And Court TV will air Confessions promising actual videotaped confessions of real criminals. This is “reality” TV? Let’s see a show of hands. How many of you have spent 39 days on a China Sea island while 40 million people watch a guy in safari gear make you wallow in the mud and swallow grubs? How many of you have TV cameras in your bathroom connected to a nationwide audience? (If you do, I don’t want to know about it, thank you!) How many of you, outside of a Mississippi chain gang, are bound together to total strangers? COPS comes closer to reality than “Alien Autopsies” and “Who Wants to Disgrace Themselves By Marrying a Total Stranger on National TV?” but is this reality? Pa-lease! To be real, Survivor would feature a single mom trying to make ends meet while working two jobs. A husband and dad who is hoping painful chemotherapy will help him live long enough to walk his daughter down the aisle. How 'bout a homeless family on the streets of southside Chicago? How 'bout the 100,000 residents of Hyderabad, India, who became homeless when torrential rains caused a devastating flood. (Oh that's right. You didn't hear about it due to the deluge of 'Survivor' coverage.) Real life would have more average looking people than the beautiful, buff co-eds on the MTV show. And, it would be great fun for the televised bounty hunters from Fugitive to track down so-called parents who aren’t paying child support. Reality TV is actually fantasy TV. Rather than trying to live meaningful, purposeful lives, millions of couch potatoes try to vicariously live out their lives playing “peeping Tom.” (Okay, I’ve gotten sucked into the Survivor silliness, but only lasted through about fifteen minutes of Big Brother which turns to be a soap opera with no plot or interesting dialog.) And, worst of all, reality TV confuses fame with heroics. Richard the exhibitionist is now famous; Richard the Lion-Hearted was heroic (even if he wasn't exactly politically correct). Kelly is famous; Helen Keller was heroic. Susan is famous; Susan B. Anthony was heroic. Rudy the redneck is famous; Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was heroic. Reality TV? Get real! (c) Copyright 2000 James N. Watkins
Nothing is more fun than planning a family vacation--unless, of course, it's lost luggage, airline food, or eight hours of "Are we there yet?" So, as a public service, let me suggest the Rand McNally travel agency. Here's what our team of investigative humor columnists discovered by searching through the index of its famous Road Atlas. You can take your family to Atlanta, Brazil, Carthage, Denver, Dublin, Frankfort, Geneva, Jamestown, Lebanon, Long Beach, Maryland, Memphis, Mexico, Miami, Montezuma, Mt. Vernon, Norway, Oxford, Peru, St. Paul, Warsaw, Washington, or Waterloo without ever leaving the state of Indiana. Just lineup the kids in front of the "Now Entering" sign, take the picture as soon as Junior stops making faces, and impress your family and friends with a world-wide slide show! And by only traveling across the border into Kentucky, you can visit Anchorage, Capital Hill, Manhattan, and London. In Illinois you'll find Athens, Batavia, Bunker Hill, Cairo, Charleston, Cuba, El Paso, Frankfort, Geneva, Havana, Kansas, Oregon, Paris, Phoenix, Rome, Wyoming, and Zion. Even closer to home, you'll find Athens, Atlanta, Beverly Hills, Frankfort, Holland, and yet another Norway in Michigan. Meanwhile, in the Buckeye State, visit Amsterdam, another Athens, Berlin, Damascus, Delaware, Frankfort, Jamestown, Lebanon, London, Macedonia, Poland, Reno, Rio Grande, Troy, Warsaw, Williamsburg, and Wyoming. And if you can't afford to fly to Hawaii for a honeymoon, you can find in Love in Virginia. You'll find your Valentine in Arizona and Nebraska; Loveland in Colorado, Ohio, and Washington; and Honeymoon in Arizona. We're planning a trip to the Holy Land, but it looks like we could save a bundle--and not be endangered by religious terrorists--by simply touring the United States. There are Bethlehem's in Connecticut, Kentucky, New Hampshire, and Pennsylvania; Canaan in New Hampshire; Eden in Georgia, Illinois, New York, and Texas, Egypt in Kentucky; Palestine in Illinois; and even Sodom in New York. All of this exhaustive investigating caused me to ponder, who comes up with these city names?! Among the Ordinary (Kentucky), Plain City (Ohio) and Soso (Missouri) town names, you can find lots of exceptions. Who would have thought of naming cities Colon and Flushing--both in Michigan. Or Santa Claus, Indiana? You can also find Paradise in Montana and Hell in Michigan. (However I'd suggest avoiding Double Trouble, New Jersey; Gnawbone, Indiana; Eek, Alaska; Hazard, Kentucky; and Slaughter, Louisiana.) Some city planners merely borrow other state's names such as Atlanta in Idaho and Texas; California, Nebraska; Denver, New York; Lansing, Iowa and Indiana; plus the ever-popular Marion in Alabama, Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Montana, Nebraska, North Carolina, Utah, Virginia, and Wisconsin. (No wonder postal workers are stressed out!) And nothin' says lovin' like naming a town after your favorite girl such as Elsie, Judy, Mary, and Susie--all in Kentucky. Animals apparently play an important role in communities. How 'bout traveling to Alligator, Mississippi; Cowshead, Newfoundland; Jackrabbit, Arizona; or Raccoon, Indiana? The beaver, though, appears to be the most popular creature with city planners. You can find a Beaver in Oklahoma, Oregon (there are actually two towns called Beaver in the state), Pennsylvania, and Utah; Beaver City, Nebraska; Beaver Creek, Ohio; Beaver Crossing, Alberta; Beaver Dam, New Jersey; Beaver Lodge, Alberta; Beaverton, Ontario; and Big Beaver, Pennsylvania. So, whether you're planning to visit Cairo Egypt or Cairo, Illinois, I trust you have an enjoyable time. We're thinking about visiting Watkins, Colorado; Watkins Glen, New York; or Watkinsville, Georgia. © 1999 James N. Watkins.
It’s time for our incredible, semiannual “Super Summer Column Clearance Close-out. We’re making room for our fall articles so every idea must go! Ten Clues A Man Should Wear a Shirt in Summer 10. Take a tape measure. Drop it on the floor. If you can’t pick it up without bending your knees, put on a shirt. 9. If you have a tattoo containing any of the Federal Communication Commission’s seven dirty words, put on a shirt. 8. If you don’t want to appear as a suspect on TV’s “COPS,” put on a shirt. 7. If you have more chest hair than your neighbor’s poodle, put on a shirt. 6. If you’re over 40, put on a shirt. 5. If you’ve had open-heart surgery, put on a shirt. 4. If you wife, girlfriend, mother (and especially all three together) can’t reach around you for a hug, put on a shirt. 3. If you don’t want to die of melanoma, put on a shirt. 2. If your measurements exceed 36A, put on a shirt. 1. If your family or neighbors have cut out this column for you, put on a shirt. Playing with fire. Argh! Argh! Why does the man, who won’t touch a stove fall, winter, or spring, suddenly have the urge to barbecue during the summer? Simple. Flammable liquids, fire, and sharp objects! After a childhood of parents warning about fire, lighter fluid, and knives, here’s a guy’s chance to play with all three! Argh! Argh! Polished metal chopsticks for Rwanda? Almost as funny as airlines’ concept of “food,” are their catalogs of “must have” items for the traveling public. For instance: A cigar lighter with built-in cutter for $60. A $65 business card case made of “top quality, hand-polished stainless steel . . . precision engineered.” Polished metal chopsticks with cradle and flip-top travel box for $75. In case your hotel TV doesn’t get the Weather Channel, there’s a portable weather station for $399. If your spouse is really steamed about you taking a business trip on your anniversary, how ‘bout a dozen genuine gold-plated roses for $595. And for the traveler who likes to gamble, a genuine 1940 slot machine for $2,400. (Isn’t it enough of a wager waiting to see if your luggage was on the same plane as you?) And if you’re into cufflinks (I’m not) you can buy them in the shape of American flags ($45), clocks ($188), compasses ($150), dollar signs ($75), golf bags ($145), fire extinguishers ($45), ice buckets ($45), liberty dimes ($35), martini glasses ($165), NYC bus tokens ($89), silver-plated temperature gauges ($125), and world globes “with oceans of lapis lazuli intricately inlaid with latitude and longitude lines of 18 karat gold” ($275). Maybe the catalog turned my stomach because I was returning from India (or maybe it was simply the airline food). The cost of the 1940 slot machine is equal to a year and a half’s income in India. The gold-plated roses would cost a year’s wage in Ethiopia while the portable weather station would cost more than the annual per capita income of Rwanda. I decided I could live without the “Re-Con Spy Plane . . . a remote control flier with a recessed cavity that holds any disposable camera” and sent a check to World Hope. That felt much better than the “hand-held portable misting fan . . . ideal for the beach, golf course, working in the yard . . . anywhere that you’re sweatin’ up a storm.” (c) Copyright 2000 James N. Watkins
There are a few things I won't miss about the past millennium, including the word "millennium" itself. And I never want to hear "Y2K" again in my lifetime. (Just my luck, science will find a way to prolong life and I'll be around for Y3K. Arrrggghhh!) Here are some other annoying phrases and "sounds bytes" that I would just as soon leave in the previous century: Hey! 'Sup? "Livin' La Vida Loca." Yeah baby! You go, girl! Did you hear the one about the blonde who . . . ? "I did not have sexual relations with that woman . . . Ms. Lewinsky." Boys will be boys. Excuuuuuuuuuse me! HellOOOOO! Master your domain. I was born this way. Get a life! Chill out! Later, dude. Like . . . Awesome! Totally! Radical! Whatever. As if. Hurt me. Been there, done that. Don't go there! Just get over it! Get out of here! "Captain's Log, Stardate . . ." "Don't have a cow, man!" "Is that your final answer?" ". . . a word from our sponsor." "S-S-S-S-S-Sunday! Sunday!" "They've killed Kenny!" Anything Pokemon! FYI, the business world has contributed its share of corporate cliches: down-sizing, paradigm shift, thinking outside the box, out of the loop, pushing the envelope, cutting edge, networking, partnering, synergy, and win/win. Let's dialogue. ASAP. Don't work harder, work smarter! The pop-psychologists (that phrase needs to go, too!) gave us dysfunctional families, significant others, and toxic relationships between "Mars" and "Venus." I'm not sure I want to "run with the wolves," find myself, discover my "inner child" or become "self-actualized"! And we can leave inspirational speakers and "motivators" in the 1900's as well: Go for it! God helps those who help themselves. Name it and claim it. If you can believe it, you can achieve it. "Mega Church." Give it 110%! Carpe Diem, which either means "seize the day" or "kill a really ugly fish." Politically correct! Anything '60's! Groovy! Have a nice day. Today is the first day of the . . . (yeah, you know the rest). What's your sign? "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!" Right on! Tune in , turn on, drop out! Burn, baby, burn! Work for peace. "In A Gada Vida" (which I think is Latin for "The Song That Never Ends.") I do hope telemarketers and most commercials are not Y2K compliant: "You've been selected to receive a free gift." "Do you own your own home?" E.D. Only $19.95. "Drop the chalupa!" "Would you like fries with that?" "Would you like to apply for a credit card right now and get 10% off your purchase?" "If you know your party's extension, please press . . ." News and weather segues. For example, after a story on wild fires killing three fire-fighters and destroying four hundred homes in tinder dry California. "Well, Buffy, it looks like we'll be cooler and wetter than the west coast." "That's right, Bret, no wild fires in our five-day forecast." High-tech jargon, including "high-tech." State of the art, user-friendly, virtual community, "e-" anything, "i-" anything, .com. And let's hope that e-moticons all "crash and burn." Here's a thermo-nuclear warhead about to destroy one of those annoying e-mail smiley faces: =XXXXX>:) Super-model, super-star, super-sized, "super" anything! And let's hope these terms are terminal in the 2000's: managed health care, primary care physicians, flexible sigmoid, fat-free diet, "we" (as in "How are we feeling today?"), persistent vegetative state, and ". . . may cause cancer in laboratory animals." I know, you're thinking, yada yada yada. Well, duh?! Lighten up! (c) 2000 James N. Watkins
Every household has it's own traditions. My family of origin always sat through the credits at movies. I'm not sure if Mom and Dad really wanted to know who was the "Assistant to the Transportation Coordinator" or if it was just a way to let the theater parking lot clear out. We often chased down search lights to discover where the shaft of light was originating--usually at a used car dealer. And, we always thrilled to watching the odometer turnover from 1,999 to 2,000 miles--or any number with lots of zeros. "Hey kids, the mileage gauge is going to turn to 30,000 in just two-tenths of a mile!" And we would gaze over the front seat to watch in amazement as the numbers rolled over. Okay, so life in Watkins World wasn't very exciting! But even today, I find myself looking forward to our '95 Chevy Corsica turning from 119,999 to 120,000. (Actually, I look forward to the engine simply turning over!) I really don't expect any monumental changes at those momentous turns of the odometer. The high beams still won't work. The turn signal will still be held together with duct tape. There will still be a dent in the front left fender. And, the passenger door lock will still be broken due to a break-in attempt. (Who steals '95 Chevy Corsica's with dents in the fender?!) That's why I'm not that excited about the calendar changing from 1999 to 2000. Sure, it's going to be more exciting than the odometer rolling over, or the year changing from 1998 to 1999. But life as we know it, will probably continue pretty much the same. (Okay, there may be some Y2K computer glitches and it will probably take me until April to get used to writing 2000 on my checks.) But the whole millennium madness is a mass marketing campaign by survivalists, paranoid prophets, party supply stores, publishers and producers of 2000 commemorative products, and of course Dick Clark who wants us to watch "One Thousands Years of TV Bloopers." The year 2000 is simply a human-made date that isn't even universally accepted. (In China, it will still be 4696 since their New Year doesn't begin until late January. The Hebrew calendar will read 5760.) There's even debate as to when the new millennium actually begins. The "purists" claim it won't be the new millennium until January 1, 2001, because there's no A.D. 0. During the split second between December 31, 1999 and January 1, 2000, there will be no major changes. We'll still be the same people living in the same world we were in the previous year. Which is cause for both rejoicing and regret. Medical science will continue developing treatments to extend our lives, while we simultaneously eat, drink, and inhale more of the stuff that puts us in an early grave. Schools will continue to teach children and youth that they've evolved from pond scum, while wondering why kids shoot one another with no consideration of human value. The government will continue to spend millions of dollars trying to find out if there is life on Mars, while millions die of starvation on our own planet. There will be wars and rumors of wars. At the same time, more Americans will attend a house of worship than a sports stadium during the week. Tragedies will continue to make heros out of ordinary people who perform extraordinary acts of courage and compassion. People will contribute millions of dollars to those they have never met but who are facing flood, famine, fire, and other disasters. Husbands and wives will continue to conceive children, knowing full well they will pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to raise kids who won't readily appreciate the sacrifice. Most of us will find the courage to go on. When the earth's odometer rolls over to 2000, there will be no universal changes; no peace on earth; no "Age of Aquarius" for wilted flower children. But the priorities and prayers of each person can make a difference. What am I going to do to make a difference in the new millennium? First, I'm going to change the oil in the Chevy. Wishing you faith, hope, and love this New Year! (c) 1999 James N. Watkins
This being the last Thanksgiving before 2000, I have in my right hand--direct from my home office--the top ten things I'm grateful for this millennium. 10. I never bought any 8-track tapes or polyester leisure suits during this century. 9. I was number 362 out of 366 in the highly-rated "Who Wants to be an MIA?" game show. In 1972, those wacky Washington wonks televised the draft lottery. The Viet Cong would have had to invade Los Angeles before Uncle Sam would have given me all expense-paid trip to Vietnam. 8. There have been no wars on United States soil this century, unless you count the "war on drugs," "gas wars," and lines at theaters for "Star Wars" tickets. 7. The personal computer has revolutionized the second half of this century. Being the lazy person that I am, I would never have considered writing for a living, although it is a great way to avoid heavy lifting. I just finished three books with a total of 900 double-spaced pages. Without a word processor, I'd still be re-typing the rough drafts next Thanksgiving! 6. The home office has been made possible due to the new electronic gadgets. My morning "commute" is just ten seconds (twenty seconds if I swing into the rest area on the way to work). Best of all, I've been there when Faith and Paul left for and returned from school. (The only problem with a home office is that I never get any "snow" days off work! Plus, the office parties leave something to be desired, but at least I get what I want at the Christmas gift exchange!) 5. The Internet has allowed me the privilege of reaching thousands of people in hundreds of countries with my writing. And, I can research any subject at any time. (What library is going to let you read an encyclopedia at 3 a.m.--in your underwear?!) 4. Polio, small pox, scarlet fever, and tuberculosis have been virtually eliminated during my lifetime. Now, if science can just do something for those poor people in feminine hygiene and incontinence commercials with the blue body fluids. That can't be healthy! 3. Men have been allowed to take a more active roles in raising their kids during the last half of this century. What a privilege to give my kids more than simply a paycheck. However, the first time I showed up for a school program during the day, I think the teachers thought I was an unemployed child abductor! And it is embarrassing to sit outside the women's dressing room, while your daughter is trying on clothes. "Who's that unemployed pervert sitting in the middle of the bra and panties section?!" 2. Women have been allowed to use their talents and abilities beyond the role of simply "house wife." I am so proud of my wife, Lois, the ordained minister. She serves as a senior pastor and is on her district's boards of administration and ministerial development, as well as on the board of Operation Shelter, a local ministry to the homeless. You go girl! 1. 1. God did not destroy the earth--or me--with fire and brimstone. There have been plenty of times that our planet should have resembled a glowing charcoal briquet--and more than a few times I should have been the target of a lightning bolt myself. This millennium has featured the inquisitions, the Third Reich, the "killing fields" of Cambodia, "ethnic cleansing" in Europe and Africa, widespread religious persecution, organized crime, drug smuggling, sex crimes against children, and the killing of millions of unborn children. God's amazing--and often outrageous--grace has allowed us to arrive at the birth of brand new millennium without aborting the entire population or this fragile planet in the process. We have much for which to give thanks--and to ask forgiveness--as those living in this century. And much for which to look forward to in the next millennium. For that, I am grateful--and that there are actually people who read the things I write at 3 a.m.! (c) 1999 James N. Watkins A loyal reader of this column, sent
the following clipping from the National Examiner. (He asked that
his name not be used in association with such irresponsible journalism.
He also doesn't want to be associated with the checkout-lane tabloid.) ":The Y2K computer crisis is exposed
as a hoax, manufactured by industry bigwigs to reap huge profits for allegedly
'fixing' computer programs they say will crash in the year 2000.": This, of course, is the same tabloid
that's also predicting country singer Wynonna Judd will trade in her guitar
for a folding chair when she becomes a woman wrestler. The Virgin Mary
will appear on the side of the Goodyear blimp during the Super Bowl. And,
I quote, ":O. J. Simpson calls shock jock Howard Stern on the air
and tearfully confides that he killed his ex-wife Nicole. Later, he recants
his shocking confession, claiming it was an April Fool's joke--and abruptly
hangs up when Stern points out he's called in the middle of July.": Here's one of my own predictions: expect
tabloids full of Henny Penny prophets claiming the world, as we know it,
will end in the year 2000! So, before you max out your credit cards, sell
all your earthly possessions and move to Montana prior to January 1 of
next year, a few cautions. First, the Gregorian or Western calendar,
which we use, is off by four to seven years. So, those predicting universal
catastrophes surrounding the year two thousand are going to be disappointed.
It's already at least 2004 and nothing universally catastrophic--except
for Michael Jordan's retirement--has happened so far! Secondly, TV evangelists who claim
that Christ will return to celebrate His two-thousandth birthday, have
already missed it! (Since He was born in 7-4 B.C., the big day actually
occurred sometime between 1993 and 1996.) And I'm not sure if God even
has a calendar! Jesus, being a good Jewish son, would probably use the
Hebrew calendar which claims it's the year 5760! And since, according to
the Bible only the Father--not even the Son--knows the date, don't expect
Brother Bob Blessing to have an exclusive scoop. Third, contrary to the gloom and doom
prophets, things really aren't that bad--at least outside the Capitol belt
line. According to the National Review: the divorce rate is down
19 percent since 1981; the birth rate for unmarried teens is down 7.5 percent
since 1994; abortion is down 15.3 percent since 1990; welfare rolls are
down 37 percent since 1993; and despite the fact we have more teens than
ever (who commit most of the felonies on "COPS"), the crime rate
is down. The whole millennium madness is a mass
marketing campaign by survivalists, paranoid prophets, party supply stores,
publishers and producers of 2000 commemorative products and of course Dick
Clark who wants you to watch ":Two Thousands Years of TV Bloopers.": The year 2000 is simply a human-made
date that isn't even universally accepted. (In China, it will still be
4696 since their New Year doesn't begin until late January.) While the split second between December
31, 1999 and January 1, 2000, will probably cause some computer problems,
we'll still be the same people living in the same world we were in the
previous century. Which is cause for both rejoicing and regret. So, what am I planning for December
31st? I'll be watching Dick Clark's ":New Millennium's Rockin' Eve":
on my kerosene-powered TV in Montana. (c) 1999 James N. Watkins You have in your hand, direct from
my home office in LaOtto, Indiana, today's Top Ten Reasons Why Farming
is a Great Occupation 10. Farmers aren't slaves to assembly
lines, computer keyboards, or cash registers ("Thank you for shopping
our K-Mart."). They can set their own schedule, which means they can
show up for parent/ teacher conferences or have a romantic rendezvous with
their spouse in the afternoon. 9. Agricultural engineers are their
own bosses--if they don't count their spouse telling them to get out of
bed. 8. They get to work outdoors in God's
fresh air rather than in a climate-controlled corporate cubicle. 7. Farm animals are easier to get along
with than most supervisors and managers--and often more intelligent. (Of
course, any white collar workers reading this column are the obvious exceptions
to this unfair generalization!) 6. Nobody hates farmers the way used
car salesmen, lawyers, and politicians are despised. Okay, there is some
animosity when they're blocking the road with a six-bottom plow and we're
late for an important appointment. 5. Farmers don't have to wear a coat
and tie, hair net, or some goofy- looking uniform. Wearing a new pair of
coveralls and a Carhart jacket is considered "dressed for success."
Plus, they get free hats from seed and herbicide companies. 4. Farmers get great tax breaks. The
government will even pay them not to plant crops! (Is this a great
country or what!) 3. They can go to a game, play, or
concert without worrying that their beeper will go off or someone will
yell, "Is there a farmer in the house?!" 2. Farmers drive $150,000 vehicles
that could crush a snooty little Lexus. (It's hard, though, finding a parking
place for a combine at the country club.) And, the number one reason why
farming is a great occupation: 1. Farmers are more important than
the President of the United States. Let's be honest, Mr. President. We
can go for months without another one of your speeches about the inflation
rate or a "photo op" with you and the grand imperial potentate
of Kyrgyzstan. But just try going one day without milk, fruits and veggies,
or hamburger! Okay, okay, there are some downsides
to a career in agriculture. There are no forty-hour work weeks, paid vacations,
or dental plans. Farm equipment breaks down more often than computers crash.
And, they wager more money each year than an obsessive-compulsive gambler.
(Some years taking their seed money to Vegas would have been a safer investment!)
But at least farmers can shovel their
problems away--which is better than most occupations! (c) 1997 James N. Watkins Ah, those "lazy, hazy days of
summer." Time to laze in the hammock and ponder the importance of
. . . well, lazing in the hammock. Laziness, you see, is a vital virtue!
Think about it over a tall glass of lemonade. Where would we be today without
this important quality? "Necessity" is not the "mother
of invention"! (Maybe a sister or a second-cousin, but not the mother.)
Laziness is the mother of invention! For instance, we'd all be living like
the hard-working Amish, who live without electricity and indoor plumbing,
if not for this much-maligned virtue. Grog was too lazy to drag a mastodon
back to the cave, so he invented the wheel and, subsequently, the Monster
Truck. The the inventor of the flush toilet,
John Crapper, (that's his real name) was simply too lazy to empty
"thunder mugs" or use the outhouse in sub-zero temperatures.
Alexander Graham Bell was too lazy
to walk into the next room when he needed his lab assistant Watson, so
he invented "voice mail." And Henry Ford, the inventor of the
"horseless carriage," was too lazy to shovel out the barn ("There
must be a better way to reduce carriage emissions!"). Every great invention, from the "doodad"
to the "thingamabob," has been the result of laziness. (That's
why the industrious Amish have never been known as great inventors and
innovators. Industry stifles invention.) Laziness, then, should be applauded
as a virtue! So, let's get in that hammock and put laziness to work! (c) 1997 James N. Watkins After writing several rabid rants about politics, I decided to write a warm and wonderful column devoted to Teddy, our chow, shepherd, husky, and a partridge in a pear tree "mixed breed". I described the magical moment of "love at first site" when we met (after my wife and son conspired to bring him home from the animal shelter against my sound logic and rational reasoning). The article included Teddy’s amusing antics while he takes me for a walk: sniffing road kill, attempting to climb trees after squirrels, and checking his "pee" mail. I also paid a glowing tribute to the tellers at my small town bank who give Teddy MilkBone dog treats, even though the only deposits he ever makes are in the shrubbery. But then Al Gore yanked on my leash, and I came up growling, snarling, and foaming at the keyboard. The Democratic candidate claimed that his mother-in-law’s arthritis medicine cost three times more than the same Lodine for his dog. Gore’s handlers finally admitted the facts and figures were "made up." This is just the latest in a trail of doggie doo! Rival George Bush was less descriptive calling it a "troubling pattern of embellishing and exaggerating his plans and personal experiences." The vice president not only has exaggerated his role in the creation of Internet, but claimed he and wife Tipper were the inspiration for the Erich Segal novel Love Story about love and terminal illness. (I just saw Tipper alive and well, didn’t I?!) And speaking of misinformation, a Newsweek poll shows Al Gore way ahead in the dog race. However, John Fund, columnist for the Wall Street Journal, points out that the telephone poll of only 580 people was conducted on a Friday night when researchers claim more Democrats are home for the evening than Republicans. (GOP’s are out at grand old parties?) It also targeted "likely voters." Only one-third of those who claim they are planning to do their civic duty ever show up at the polls in November. The Battleground Poll, a joint project of Democratic pollster Celinda Lake and GOP pollster Ed Goeas, got the 1996 Clinton victory margin right within 0.5 percent of the vote. As of last Tuesday, their nightly tracking poll has Bush leading Gore by four points! (Hello, would someone notify the media?!) The respected Gallup Poll, currently has Gore up by only four-points. Factoring "margin of error," it’s a dead heat. Finally, The Rasmussen Research nightly tracking poll shows Bush with a 44 percent to 41 percent lead among likely voters. (Again, what third of those responding will get off their couch and actually vote?) Because this instrument surveys a larger sample than other polls, it’s margin of error is only 2 percent. Another important factor to factor is the fact that Democrats are more willing to participate in polls than Republicans (who view the media with more suspicion). Another doggone example is the oft-quoted statistic that the majority of Americans support "abortion on demand." Wrong! Here’s how the figures break down: A Gallup/CNN/USA Today poll in January 2000 showed that 36 percent felt abortion should be "always legal," 56 percent "sometimes legal" (such as in saving the life of the mother), and 15 percent "always illegal." In a Fox News/Opinion Dynamics Polls in April 2000, 61 percent thought states should have the right to ban "partial birth abortion." And a CBS/New York Times poll in May 2000 found that 37 percent think abortion should be "generally available," 39 percent think there should be with "stricter limits," and 22 percent think it should "never" be legal. If you’re pro-choice you can argue that the majority of people approve of abortion by combining the "always" and "sometimes" numbers. If you’re pro-life, you combine the "sometimes" and "never" to show that America disapproves of "abortion on demand." So, figures don’t lie, but liars figure! That’s what I like about Teddy. He’s honest and absolutely shameless about making his needs known. He rolls over on his back for a tummy rub and whimpers at the front door whenever nature calls. He makes no pretenses and scratches (or licks) wherever it itches. And, if he thinks I’m paying more attention to writing this column than I am to him, I feel a wet nose on my elbow. These are certainly the "dog days" of politics! "Okay, Teddy, now you can take me for a walk." Note: For a great editorial on the manipulation of statitics by Wendy McElroy, click here. (c) 2000 James N. Watkins
"G-d" and politics September 2000 Only the employees at the International House of Pancakes have done more waffling than the political candidates this election year. And the Belgian waffle topped with whipped cream and fresh strawberries on this year’s menu has been "religion." George Bush mentioned, in an early interview, that the person he most admired was Jesus Christ. In his acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, he announced: "I believe in tolerance, not in spite of my faith, but because of it. I believe in a God who calls us, not to judge our neighbors, but to love them. I believe in grace, because I have seen it; in peace, because I have felt it; in forgiveness, because I have needed it." The Democratic vice-president nominee, and Orthodox Jew, Joseph Lieberman told a prayer breakfast in February: "Americans are starved for good conversations about important matters of the human spirit. In Victorian England, religious devotion was not a forbidden topic of conversation, sex was. In America today, the inhibitions are reversed." (One national newspaper recently spelled God "G-d" as if it were a four-lettered word!) Even after being tapped as the Democratic vice-presidential nominee, Lieberman showed no "inhibitions" in expressing his faith. "This is the most religious country in the world and sometimes we try to stifle that fact or hide it. But the profound and ultimately most important reality is that we are not only citizens of this blessed country, we are citizens of the same awesome God," he told church audiences recently. He quoted George Washington's 1796 "Farewell Address" where the first President claimed that "religion and morality" were inseparably linked to "peace and harmony with all." Lieberman continued, "We know that the Constitution wisely separates church from state. But remember, the Constitution guarantees freedom of religion. Not freedom from religion." "So let us break through some of the inhibitions that have existed to talk together across the flimsy line of separation of faith: to talk together, to study together, to pray together and ultimately to sing together his holy name." Wow, you'd think another "Great Awakening" of spirituality was ready to sweep the country, or at least the Electoral College. But then the Anti-Defamation League's Howard P. Berkowitz and Abraham H. Foxman, yanked on Lieberman's prayer shawl. "We feel very strongly, and we hope you would agree," they wrote, "that appealing along religious lines, or belief in God, is contrary to the American ideal." Suddenly, the Orthodox Jew was back-tracking faster than Moses and the Israelites with Pharaoh's army in hot pursuit. On "Good Morning America" Lieberman announced his quote from the first President's farewell addressed was misinterpreted. "I never felt that he meant that religion was the only source of morality, but in an open society he was saying religion is one good source of good values." The conservative Jew has also voted in favor of issues that the Torah (Old Testament) opposes, such as homosexual behavior and abortion. He’s opposed to displaying the Ten Commandments in public buildings. And although he was the first Democrat to condemn the President for breaking the seventh and ninth commandments, voted to keep him in office. One journalist gushed, "It’s great to see that Lieberman’s religion doesn’t affect his politics." Meanwhile, the Republican candidate, who speaks out on "grace" and "forgiveness," has seen nearly 150 inmates executed while governor of Texas. Didn't Jesus tell a group of would-be executioners who were ready to kill a convicted person in a capital case, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone"? And, of course, there was his un-gracious on-air assessment of a New York Times reporter as a "major league [bleep]" Only Pat Buchanan, a devout Catholic, seems to be consistent in his professed faith and politics, but he has no chance in purgatory of being elected. So, there seems to be a couple issues here . . . First, candidates have been inconsistent in applying their beliefs to their behaviors. And so the cynical public, 94 percent of which believe in God, view faith and politics as contradictory. President Bill Clinton, the Southern Baptist and Monica Lewinsky get to "know" one another in the biblical sense. Forty years earlier, President John Kennedy, a Roman Catholic, was allegedly celebrating something other than mass with Marilyn Monroe. And so, the public doesn’t take politicians professions of faith too seriously. Secondly, the ADL, the ACLU, a few Supreme Court justices, and the "liberal media elite" (to quote some talk show hosts) have seemingly forgotten that our country’s founders were religious individuals. Alan Snyder of Regent University’s School of Government recently confronted the ADL and their criticism of Lieberman. "They must not have looked at any documents or debates that went on [during the Constitutional Conventions]. It is hard to find any founding father who did not express his faith." Our country’s belief in the equality of all races and genders is right out of the Bible: St. Paul writes, "There is neither Jew or Greek, slave nor free, male or female, for you are all one . . ." Compassion for the "hungry, thirsty, stranger, naked, sick, and imprisoned" is found in Jesus’ teachings. The concept of leaders as public "servants" is also right there, all the way from Genesis to maps. Belief in God is not contrary to the American ideal--it is an American ideal. A Newsweek poll conducted by Princeton Survey Research Associates in April of this year reported that only 4 percent of Americans do not believe in God and 2 percent are uncertain. Eighty-four percent believe that God performs miracles, and 79 percent believe "that the miracles described in the Bible actually took place." And, according to a George Barna survey, on any given weekend, more Americans are in houses of worship than sports stadiums. If that’s not proof enough, reach in your pocket and pull out an official, government-minted United States coin and read "In God We Trust." I applaud Bush and Lieberman for having the courage to speak out on religious themes. But I also pray that whichever party is elected, they will put their professions into practice. Waffles belong at the International House of Pancakes, not at the White House. And no American should feel inhibited from publicly thanking God for whipped cream and fresh strawberries. (c) 2000 James
N. Watkins
Political conventions June 2000 Unless you’re eating rats on a South Sea island or cooped up in a house with a bunch of boring ego-maniacs, then you know that national political conventions will soon be pre-empting your favorite TV shows. And, if you’re like me, you’re already anticipating an exciting few weeks of renting videos. The political parties and networks could boost ratings, however, with some lessons from this summer’s popular "reality" TV shows. . [Voice over with jungle drums] "From all over the United States, thousands of convention delegates have converged on the baggage claim area at the airport. Only what they don’t know, is we’ve secretly sent all their luggage to Des Moines! They will be forced to survive on airline peanuts and items in their carry-on bags in a hostile environment of $10 burgers and $3 Pepsi’s. . "Alliances will be formed; tribal leaders will be elected; others will be voted off the convention floor. Who will out talk, out smart, and out spend all the others to win Survivor: The Political Convention Edition?. The first challenge will be negotiating fair taxi fares with drivers who don’t speak English after the scheduled shuttle busses take a wrong turn in Iowa. At the hotel, delegates must find the ice machine, figure out which way the faucets in the shower turn, and turn down the top sheet without pulling out the bottom sheet since both are usually tucked under the bed’s mattress. . The first group challenge will feature delegates fighting their way through the protestors armed with picket signs for Lab Rat Rights, the Marionette Liberation Movement, and the Legalize Freon Front. Those delegates who make it past the protestors, must clear the security obstacle course of metal detectors, x-ray scanners, and a guard nick-named "The Groper." . Once inside, the second group challenge begins. Delegates must attempt to remain conscious during fifty speeches and video tributes to the keynote speakers, plus endless votes on parliamentary procedures: "Memorial Number 45678B: Resolved, that the time of happy hour be established by a simple majority vote of delegates rather than on a two-thirds vote." . Meanwhile, tensions will rise to a low-grade-fever pitch when delegates debate platform planks supporting clean air, good schools, safe streets, and world peace. (And you thought the mind-numbing babble of "Big Brother" was as dull as, well, political conventions.) . Apparently this is why no one is seated, but all wander around aimless trying to keep themselves and other delegates awake with back slapping, cheering every time their state is mentioned from the platform, and of course, making alliances. (The Smoke-Filled-Room-Cam will capture the behind the scenes deal making which basically boils down to "I’ll nominate you, if you nominate me.") . Delegates will also compete for Vice-presidential nomination, cabinet posts, and a night in the Lincoln bedroom. Extra points will be given for delegates sporting the goofiest hats, wearing the most campaign buttons, and those enjoying their fifteen minutes of fame by being interviewed on the floor by the fashion correspondent from Fox News. Fashion will play an important role at the convention, but don’t expect to see Elizabeth Dole in a pink bikini or Al Gore dressed like Survivor’s Richard. (Of course, Gore will claim to have created reality TV right after inventing the Internet.) . Since the actual selection of each candidate was determined way back in March, the media must create a sense of drama by digging up out-of-context sound bites from 26 years ago. I can’t believe that I’m coming to the defense of Hillary "The Queen Mother of Political Correctness" Clinton, who allegedly called a campaign worker a [bleep]-ing Jew [bleep] back in 1974. . Okay, let’s see a show of hands. How many of us have ever said something really stupid in the past 26 years? If the media ever got a hold of my high school newspaper columns, my write-in Presidential campaign would be over quicker than Dan Quayle’s! That's why my Tupperware Party ("Fresh ideas for preserving left-over values") proposes a seven-year statute of limitation on stupid remarks. . To help fill the remaining time, network anchors will tell those at home what they just heard with their own ears. Network commentators will then interpret what was just heard by TV audiences’ own ears and then repeated by the anchors. "Can you say ‘condescending’? I knew you could!" . Even though the final survivors will inevitably be Al Gore and George W. Bush, the V.P. choice could provide a bit of suspense. Now if they could just pick him or her with a spear-throwing or grub-eating contest, that might draw in some viewers. Or, like "Big Brother," give the viewers a vote with interactive TV or Internet polls. I think ex-Navy SEAL "Rudy" would make a great VP for the Reform Party! . Okay, so conventions don’t make great TV, but our bloated political process and the media parasites that feed on it do assure a fair and democratic election. And for that I’m thankful. Bored, but nevertheless thankful. . (c) 2000 James N. Watkins.
Government bans ‘bundling’ of burgers and fries WASHINGTON (JNW) - Calling the world's largest fast-food restaurant "untrustworthy," a federal judge Wednesday ordered McDonald’s to be broken into two smaller companies to prevent it from violating state and antitrust laws in the future. In a scathing memorandum that accompanied his 14-page decision, U.S. District Judge Lawrence Lardbottom said he was ordering the breakup because the company was totally unwilling to admit that it had violated federal antitrust law by "bundling" its hamburgers and fries. "It has shown no willingness to modify its business conduct," Lardbottom wrote. Ronald McDonald had argued that customers appreciate the convenience of buying burgers and fries in the same location and not having to go to Toys-R-Us for their "Happy Meal" prizes. The judge’s decision clears the way for Attorney General Janet "The Enforcer" Reno to file similar charges against some of America’s largest industries and businesses. According to an informed source, Sears and Roebuck could be forced to sell suit jackets as Sears and suit pants as Roebuck from two independent stores. It’s Craftsman division would be required to sell power tools in two locations with power units sold separately from blades and bits. Meanwhile, General Motors, one of the world’s largest automakers, fears the anti-monopoly campaign could force it to divide operations into chassis, engines, and transmissions which would have to be purchased separately. A spokesperson for the justice department, said that breaking up bundled products would be to the consumers’ advantage. "Auto buyers should be able to purchase a transmission at Ford, a chassis at Chevy, and an engine at Honda. This will have the same positive affect that the 1984 break up of AT&T had on telephone and long-distance service." Okay, I’ll be the first to admit I don’t understand all this monopoly mumbo-jumbo. (And I’m still pretty clueless concerning tax forms, the theory of relativity, and women.) Dave Fesseden explains, "The difference between McDonald's and Microsoft is that McDonald's doesn't own all the potato farms in the world and Burger King doesn't have to make fries according to McDonald's specifications!" Yah, Dave, but McDonald’s has the world’s best fries! And I love the ease of having my Internet, email, and word-processing software completely compatible so I can smoothly integrate all three. So, why not simply fine Bill Gates a couple billion (which he carries around as pocket change) and leave my computer alone? They can have my bundled software when they pry the mouse from my cold, dead hand! But "simple" is not the way the government seems to operate. Take Communist China--please. The Washington wonks recently conferred permanent trading status on a country with one of the worst human rights--not to mention business rights--records in the world. According to a report in the Far Eastern Economic Review, police authorities destroyed at least 15,000 religious sites in China's Zhejiang Province alone in just the first half of last year. Throughout the country, up to 100 million Catholics and Protestants worship secretly in "underground churches" while thousands of Christians have been arrested and sentenced to China's religious gulag. For instance, on Christmas Eve, 1999, three Catholic leaders and a 12-year-old girl were hospitalized in Hebei Province, after being beaten with electric batons for holding an illegal advent service. China also has little respect for business law where factories produce millions of bootleg CDs, cassettes, movie videos, and computer software. (So, that’s where all those $4.99 copies of "Neil Diamond’s Greatest Hits" and "Howard the Duck" come from?) In 1995, the US government--using its trading status trump card--threatened China with $1.8 billion in sanctions unless it started respecting worldwide copyright laws. China shut down 7 of the 29 factories making counterfeit movies and CDs, destroyed more than 2 million tapes and CDs, and confiscated 30,000 computer discs. (That still left about 8 million other counterfeit copies.) And, my simple mind, still can’t comprehend the government’s campaign to reduce smoking, while subsidizing tobacco production. For instance, in 1997 the U.S. Senate and House voted against an amendment to end crop insurance subsidies for tobacco. On the same day, the Senate voted down an amendment for a spending increase to enforce a crackdown on underage cigarette purchases. However, that year $34 million was paid out to 89,000 tobacco farmers!. Isn’t that like declaring a war on drugs while paying drug lords to produce the poison?! Rather than politicians claiming, "It’s the economy, stupid," how ‘bout "Keep It Simple, Stupid" (KISS)? And, yes, I’d like fries with that. © 2000 James Watkins
Political campaigns February 2000 It's 3 a.m. when only drug dealers, ladies of the evening, and newspaper people are up working. So, at the risk of writing something I'll regret in the morning, here are some random rantings on . . . Candidates Perhaps political candidates ought to turn off the campaign trail and follow the Yellow Brick Road! (Sing to the tune of the famous songs from the "Wizard of Oz.") When a man is a conservative, Okay, now that I have offended Republicans, Democrats, and possibly Independents (if I missed any of you, my sincere apologies), let's move on to . . . Campaigns It seems in this election year, politicians have waffled more than cooks at IHOP. For instance, here's how a candidate would handle the issue of, say, donuts: Debate moderator: And where do you stand on donuts? Candidate: When you say "donut," are you referring to those divine delicacies that provide strength and sustenance to the good citizens of this great land and to the hard-working men and women of law enforcement? If so, I say God bless donuts! But of course, if you're referring to those cholesterol-filled time bombs threatening to explode in our nation's collective capillaries and health care plans, then I am opposed. I hope I have made myself unequivocably clear on this issue. Debate moderator: (in desperation) But are you FOR or AGAINST donuts?! Candidate: The issue is not whether I am for or against donuts, but the right of every voter to choose between frosted or cream-filled. And finally . . . Cannibalism Primary races seem to resemble two tribes of cannibals. Each side chews up and spits out members of its own clan, until only one charbroiled candidate--with a few body parts missing--survives the bake-off in November. Hopefully, the winner will have at least a heart and brain! Then again, it's 3 a.m. and I'm probably only dreaming.
"Peace and prosperity" was just one of former vice president Dan Quayle's promises in his recent bid for the presidency. I applaud J. Danforth Quayle's commitment to moral values and making the White House a safe place for interns. And I really could care less if he does or doesn't know how to spell "potato." But I'm worried about a potential president who announces while vice president, "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful." In fact, any candidate--Republican, Democrat, or Raving Lunatic--who promises peace, has lost my trust--and perhaps his or her mind. Here's why I think worldwide peace is an impossible political promise. During the past decade--that's just ten years--"The National Journal" has reported civil and ethnic wars (along with death tolls) in the following countries: Algeria (65,000+) "Peace and prosperity" is a great sound bite, but how does Quayle--and every other candidate for president, governor, mayor, and dog catcher--propose to bring peace to the world?! As a person of faith, I'm not expecting all peoples across the globe to suddenly grasp hands and sing "It's a Small World After All." And contrary to one of Quayle's famous faux pas, I don't believe "The future will be better tomorrow." Jesus predicted "You will hear of wars and rumors of war, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen . . ." So, what do we do? St. Paul wrote "I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone-- for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness." Wars and rumors of wars will stop only when a Power higher than the president--or even NATO bombers--is allowed to rule with love in the hearts of the world's people. Until then, it's the height of arrogance to promise "peace, peace, when there is no peace." (c) 1999 James N. Watkins
I break out in a cold sweat every time I see the "Special News Bulletin" graphic appear on the TV screen. It's never, ever good news. Nothing about "The Federal Reserve Bank lowers prime interest rates," "Scientists announce a breakthrough in the fight against gum disease," or "Researchers discover dark chocolate reduces cholesterol." Nope, it's always bad news. There are so many special news bulletins that stations schedule regular "news breaks" into their lineup. And, of course, there's the 24-hour continuous special news bulletin called CNN. During the past weeks, special news breaks and hour-long specials have reported the NATO bombing campaign on Yugoslavia to stop its "ethnic cleansing" (murder, torture, and rape) of Kosovo. And, even as I type this column, a news break is announcing that Russian president Boris Yeltsin has reportedly ordered NATO countries to be targeted with his cold war supply of nuclear weapons. Which brings up an important question. Has Yeltsin started drinking again?! Actually, it asks "Can anyone ever 'win' a war? Or, does one side simply lose less?" For instance, our side "won" World War I but at a cost of 116,516 dead and 204,002 injured Americans. And, if you remember World History class, you'll recall that ethnic and religious groups in Yugoslavia have been killing each other on a regular basis from the Kosovo War in 1389 until the Balkan Wars in of 1912 and 1913 which led to WWI ("The War to End All Wars"). We prevailed in World War II but only after 405,399 of our soldiers laid dead and 670,846 injured. And at the end of WWII, two million Yugoslavians were dead and 3.5 million homeless. Only under the thumb of Communist dictator Tito (a.k.a. Josip Broz), did the ethnic groups live in forced peace. As soon as the Communist regime collapsed in 1989, Yugoslav president Slobodan Milosevic began waging the current civil war. So, between news breaks, I've been wondering, "Is peace a realistic goal in this region where prejudice and war has been a way of life for 600 years?" When Pyrrhus, King of Epiris, defeated the Romans at Asculum in 279 B.C. he lost so many men that neither side truly "won." The term "Pyrrhic Victory" comes from that devastating victory. Will history record that the current Yugoslavian war produced a Pyrrhic victory? The United States may be "winning" the air war by blowing up Yugoslavian military buildings and bridges over the Danube, but aren't the ethnic Albanians losing proportionately much more by being forced to become hungry and homeless refugees? Now relief organizations must spend millions of dollars of donated money to feed the huddled masses. And to bring it closer to home, for every cruise missile fired, we American tax payers are being hit with a one-million-dollar bill. (Two million for every air-deployed cruise missile.) You'd think that after centuries of wars to end wars, we would have realized that war is hell. No one ever truly "wins" a war. And that we should listen to all those beauty contestants and commencement speakers who want world peace. Then again, we're probably as likely to hear a news break announcing dark chocolate reduces cholesterol. One can always hope and pray. (c) 1999 James N. Watkins
Our team of investigative humor columnists has discovered that backers are being sought for a Broadway musical inspired by the impeachment proceedings against the President. A reliable cleaning lady at an unidentified theater has provided us access to top secret lyrics for "The Sound of Monica." (A spokesperson for Rodgers and Hammerstein would neither confirm or deny their involvement in this revision of their popular musical, saying only "They're both dead.") According to the source, the show opens with Diane Sawyer dancing a top the Hill as she sings . . . The Hill is
alive with the word impeachment, Ken Starr then allegedly sings his version of "My Favorite Things." Wire taps,
subpoenas and stained dark blue dresses, Our source has also produced lead sheets for "Climb Ev'ry Mountain . . . of Evidence" sung by a chorus of White House lawyers. Mount ev'ry
defense, cop ev'ry plea, According to our source, no one was found to sing the original song "I Must Have Done Something Good." Also, the decision of who will sing "So Long, Farewell" in the final scene has not been made. Will it be the President? The First Lady? The lawyers? The media? The entire Congress? Critics, who have also been leaked copies of the script, have panned the production because of its unfinished--and sure to be unsatisfying--ending. Unlike the original score, there are no clear winners (the good nuns) and losers (the bad Nazis). But perhaps, that is closer to real life than the theater. No one "wins" wars. One side simply loses less. And as the battle on the Hill escalates, there will be no winners either. The president, the Congress, the media and the voters are all losers as this long-running production continues in Washington. So, let's all sing, "I simply remember my favorites things, and then I don't feel so bad." (c) 1999 James N. Watkins
It's illegal to hitch a crocodile to a fire hydrant in Michigan. Yep, that's one of the More Crazy Laws in Dick Hyman's book by the same name. Other actual laws include making it unlawful for elephants to drink beer in Natchez, Mississippi. (This was apparently viewed as necessary legislation following the drunken display by those pickled pachyderms in "Dumbo.") And painting horses is illegal in Vermont. Fishing from the back of any animal is strictly forbidden in Idaho. In Kentucky, burglaries can only be committed at night. Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn--nor are humans in Detroit. And you'll spend time in the cooler if you're caught sleeping in a refrigerator in Pittsburgh. And in New Jersey, where politicians obviously have way too much time on their hands, it's illegal to slurp soup, make dogs cry, raise chickens in bottles, or allow dogs to bark, chickens to crow and ducks to quack between the hours of 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. Some laws are simply outdated or outrageous. But some are down right dangerous. The torture killing of Matthew Shepherd, a homosexual student from Laramie, Wyoming, has prompted a renewed call for "hate crime" legislation. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that assault and battery, felonious assault with a deadly weapon, kidnapping, criminal confinement and first-degree murder are already considered crimes in all fifty states--and rightly so. No human being--straight or gay--should be treated in such a way! But hate crime legislation has little to do with law and justice. It's an attempt by political action groups to squelch the First Amendment rights of anyone who dares oppose that particular group's beliefs. Our country was built on the premise that every citizen with a soap box--or a computer--has an inalienable right to express his or her opinions freely. And so, conspiracy theorists, right- and left-wing radicals, racists of all colors, aliens, reincarnated cave men, multi-level marketers of snake oil and even humor columnists are allowed to share their view in the media, Internet sites and local watering holes. And equally important [cue the "Star Spangled Banner"] Americans have the right to accept or to peacefully challenge those opinions. Unless, of course, Americans dare to express an opinion contrary to a group such as the homosexual rights advocates. After the Family Research Council, a conservative arm of the conservative Focus on the Family organization, ran full-page ads suggesting that homosexual orientation can be changed, it received death threats. Now the two organizations, along with the Christian Coalition, are being accused by homosexual activists and the news media of having "blood on their hands" in the death of Matthew Shepherd. Excuse me, but aren't death threats just a bit hateful--and illegal? Isn't labeling anyone "homophobic" or "hateful" who believes that homosexual behavior is not healthy in and of itself intolerant and hateful? Hate laws attempt to criminalize thought! Yes, punish to the full extent of law the two punks who physically assaulted and left for dead Matthew Shepherd. But don't punish them for their motives--no matter how much you and I may disagree with them. (And I do disagree with them!) Some day our ideas and beliefs may be targeted and then criminalized by lawmakers who have bucked under the pressure of some powerful political action group. Think about it. Speak out about it. And don't carry a ukulele on the street in Salt Lake City, Utah! (c) 1998 James N. Watkins
And now, a few minutes with Jim Watkins . . . In the immortal words of Andy Rooney, "D'ya ever wonder . . .?" * * * D'ya ever wonder why more people aren't calling for the president's resignation after his so-called apology for "mis-leading" voters about his "inappropriate" relationship with intern Monica Lewinsky. Now there are box loads and Internet sites full of Ken Starr's alleged evidence of perjury, witness tampering, abuse of power and obstruction of justice. Yet, only one-third of Americans--still conscious after 9,000 hours of television coverage--believe it's grounds for a political pink slip. D'ya ever wonder what would be the fate of a school principal who was instilling carnal knowledge to a student teacher--of legal age, of course? He'd be hanging from the flag pole before the second bell! And if a minister knew--in the biblical sense--a practicum student, he'd be crucified on the spot. Is there something here I don't understand? A female Air Force pilot and several drill sergeants have been recently been drummed out of the service for sexual impropriety and lying. And yet, most viewers at home see no hypocrisy in the adulterous Commander in Chief, who "misled" us all for seven months, remaining as the top military leader. * * * And d'ya ever wonder what prompted the President to launch cruise missiles on suspected terrorist camps and an alleged chemical weapons plant? According to the Koran, anyone killed in a holy war is guaranteed heaven--no questions asked. So, how does one threaten Osama bin Laden and his fellow Islamic fanatics who believe they're on a holy mission? Aren't bombing terrorists to "kingdom come" a bit like threatening compulsive gamblers with a Power Ball jackpot?! Is there something here I don't understand? * * * D'ya ever wonder "Do guns kill people or do people kill people?" Guns don't kill people. People don't kill people. Bullets kill people! So, members of the National Rifle Association should have the right to stock their closets with enough assault weapons to wage war against North Korea. But, the gun control legislators should also have the power to limit the supply of ammo to, say, ten bullets per law-abiding, mentally competent adult. (Bring back your empty casings to the gun shop and get ten more.) How many bullets does one really need to go deer hunting anyway? Any more than ten and you can kill it, dress it and make ground venison right on the spot. * * * And one final thing I don't understand. Why does the person staring back at me from the mirror recently look more like Andy Rooney than Matt Lauer? Gasp, maybe I am becoming a grumpy old man like Sixty Minutes' resident curmudgeon! I promise my next column will be more positive (D'ya ever wonder why people go out for "home cooking"?). (c) 1998 James N. Watkins
Lewinsky and language July 1998 Is Monica Lewinsky telling the truth to Linda Tripp about having an affair with the President? Is Monica Lewinsky telling the truth to the Paula Jones panel about not having an affair with the President? And why do so many people inside--and outside--the Beltway have trouble telling the truth? Here's a theory. English is a lying language! Need proof? Take the deceitful letter "C" . . . please! The headline "Clinton concerned about court decisions" demonstrates that the letter "C" merely impersonates the letters "K" and "S"--and sometimes an "H" as in "cappuccino." This corrupt consonant could be completely eliminated with a 3.8 percent savings in the alphabet and forever resolve the confusion about "I before E except after C." Even our attempt to make letters honest is called "phonics," which of course should be spelled "foniks" if written phonetically! We could eliminate "PH" and "GH" since we already have a perfectly good "F." Removing "X," which sounds like "EKS," and "Q," which mimics "KYU," would also make "Scrabble" much easier to play. And why does "TI" need to masquerade as "SH" in "nation" and "O" sound like "I" in "women"? But the worst phonetic felon is "OUGH." Is it "uff" as in "tough," "oo" as in "through," long "o" as in "though," or "off" as in "trough"? No wonder Johnny can't read--or tell the truth. He's speaking a lying language! Instead of paying Ken Starr any more money to investigate the alleged Lewinsky affair (or non-affair), let's spend another couple billion to teach the entire nation Greek. Greek is the language of the great ancient philosophers, the language used to record the words of Jesus in the Bible, and of course the menus of great delicatessens. (Okay, okay, Greek fraternities are an exception to the nobility of the language.) Most of all, Greek is an honest language. It has only 24 letters and yet has separate letters for short and long "A" (Alpha and Eta) and short and long "O" (Omicron and Omega). The rest of the alphabet sounds pretty much like it looks and, best of all, there are no silent letters. By cutting our alphabet by 7.6 percent and eliminating all silent letters, we could save an entire Amazon rain forest with dramatic reductions in the amount of paper used for books, magazines and newspapers. The Greeks were also smart enough to have more than one word for love. In English we say, "I love pizza," "I love my kids," "I love anyone who reads this column," and "I'm going to love my wife forever." One word for four separate meanings. No wonder politicians and anyone else who wants to twist the truth has literary license with English. In ancient Greek you would say "I eros pizza," "I storge my kids," "I phileo anyone who reads this column," and "I'm going to agape my wife forever." You would have a Greek vase smashed over your head if you told your neighbor's wife "I eros you." In contrast, English with its schizophrenic phonics, can't be trusted. And, if we can't trust our alphabet, how can we trust our words, and if we can't trust our words, how can we trust those who say words like "I am not a crook," "Read my lips, no new taxes," and "I did not inhale"? That's why I'm inviting you to join "Konserned Sitizens Kondeming the Konsonant C" for a more koncheenchus kuntry. There's one minor problem, though--spelling my name. There's no "J" in Greek! (c) 1998 James N. Watkins
Auto makers have won yet another victory in the government's attempt to deal with the Felony 450 X's deadly safety record. The popular sports car is responsible for an estimated 450,000 deaths in the United States each year and skyrocketing auto insurance rates. Studies reveal the auto's exhaust contains 4,027 chemicals--200 of which are known poisons and sixteen which have been shown to cause cancer. More recent studies reveal that other drivers and pedestrians are also in danger of the high levels of carbon monoxide, hydrogen cyanide, and other deadly emissions. The State of Minnesota charges that over 39,000 secret documents prove the manufacturer knew the powerful sports car had dangerous design flaws as early as 1950. The Felony 450 X's development has been highly subsidized by the government from the beginning and is credited with reducing unemployment in the economically distressed "rust belt" of eastern Michigan and northern Indiana. Lawmakers from auto-producing states and lobbyists for the auto industry have continued to stymie efforts to get the killer cars off the roads. Now, the government is trying to set limits on how much injured and disabled motorists can sue the manufacturer in court. At the same time, The National Transportation Safety Board is requiring a warning on the dash board stating "Driving this vehicle is hazardous to your health." California has since banned the vehicle from all public roadways, and other states and communities have imposed similar restrictions. The president of the United Auto Workers, however, argues, "We actively oppose the Senate Commerce Committee bill because of it's punitive impact on consumers, manufacturers, suppliers, employees, and share holders." Opponents of the Felony 450 X counter that 450,000 dead consumers each year are already being "punished." Okay, you've already figured I'm not talking about cars, right? Here's what I can't figure out: Why are tobacco companies--that manufacture a product that kills more people than drunk driving, accidents and mass murderers combined--in any position to negotiate a "sweetheart deal" with the government? When auto makers produced a few exploding cars and trucks (remember the "Pinto"?), the government didn't come to their rescue. When Timothy McVeigh bombed a Federal office building, he didn't negotiate a better deal with the government. (Although the killing of 168 innocent people is indeed a tragedy, smoking kills the equivalent of 2,419 Oklahoma City bombings every single year!) So, why should tobacco companies be treated any differently than manufacturers of any other product that proves to be hazardous to our health? Perhaps it's because Americans seem to value "life" much less than "liberty and the pursuit of happiness." Perhaps it's because we can't grasp the reality of nearly a half million deaths from tobacco-related deaths every year. Perhaps it's because Washington and big business often spell "health" with a "w." Or, perhaps it's one of those things we'll never understand--like the return of the Volkswagen "Beetle." (c) 1998 James N. Watkins
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